Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
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This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
This is not me but this is me
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
giddy up Office Depot
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Finally
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”