[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
You Might Also Like
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Heroic Misunderstanding
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
A French press is when you hug naked
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.