Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
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*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks