My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
You Might Also Like
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“How’s your day going?”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*