What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
You Might Also Like
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Matt Goss
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training