*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
You Might Also Like
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn