[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
The Book. The Movie.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.