I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*