My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
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Phones down.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
This is a whole mood;
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Jesus Christ lmao