god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her