Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
❤️❤️❤️
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.