Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.