*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO