pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
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ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.