I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
We’ve come full circle
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity