Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone