I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD