Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
A ghost story
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.