GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
IT’S-A ME,
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.