I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?