A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I need to update my racial profile.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”