Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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Me: Same
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?