FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
You Might Also Like
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Cheers Twitter.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.