Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
You Might Also Like
All is fair in drunk and war.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?