ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
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do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
ouch
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎