[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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women are like cars. sometimes there鈥檚 a squirrel living in there
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I鈥檓 meeting up with new friends today and we鈥檙e going on a picnic but they don鈥檛 want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I鈥檓 thinking I鈥檓 gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I鈥檇 be king of the village in some parts of the world.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!馃槃
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there鈥檚 food at my door.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let鈥檚 go to the hospital
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel