Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers