Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?