Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
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[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan