Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
OH. COME. ON.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The first matador
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT