A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.