an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
There is wisdom there.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.