ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
There is no “we” in pizza
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?