Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing