Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
A friend sent me this.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads: