2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I put the mess in domestic.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?