I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
A man of commitment.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Flowers bee like
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!