Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil