Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma