Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
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I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.