me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Our lord and savoury.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl