My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
🏙👨🏼
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like