‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Wikigenius
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber