“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues