My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
🤣🤣
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.