[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
moms in horror movies
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?