Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*