New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
You Might Also Like
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Birds & Planes.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”