To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.