Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Denise please return my vape pen
I need to get some bricks…
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?